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Keeping Count (4 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Humor, Established Relationship
Summary: Illya has something better to count in bed besides sheep.
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Keeping Faith (5 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Irene Heron
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: G
Category: Drama-Angst, Established Relationship
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Keeping One's Mouth Shut (25 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: G
Category: First Time, Pre-Slash
Summary: Learning when and when not to keep one's mouth shut - answer to Prompt 107 on MFU Fantasies
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King Illya (39 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Established Relationship
Summary: Some days, it doesn't pay to chew through the restraints - you go to bed an UNCLE agent and wake up a king
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Kiss and Tell (59 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Blondie
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Action-Adventure
Summary: Napoleon is sent to a Paris bordello to retrieve a stolen note book.
Sequel: First Kiss - Last Kiss by Raisa, An Uncle for All Seasons and One For All Time
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The Kiss in the Cafeteria Affair (35 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Episode Related, Romance, Humor, First Time
Summary: Just a light first timer about when things get awkward in the employee cafeteria.
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Kiss Me Once - The Seduction of Napoleon Solo Act II (7 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG
Category: Humor, Pre-Slash
Summary: Ah, but is a kiss just a kiss?
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Kiss of Fire (13 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Holiday
Summary: Napoleon and Illya celebrate Valentine's Day - ABBA style.
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Knights of the Umbrella and Bundle (92 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Kellie Matthews
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Romance, Humor, Established Relationship
Summary: Some things are just all in a day's work.
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Knowing Me, Knowing You (87 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Holiday, Poetry, Romance, Established Relationship, Series
Summary: An ABBA/Foothills Valentine's story - giving the perfect gift.
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Knowing the Difference (37 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: GeorgiaMagnolia
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: First Time
Summary: Dinner and conversation turns personal for Illya and Napoleon.
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Koan (2 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Meris
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: G
Category: PWP
Summary: Is it a puzzle? or is it not?
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The Lab Rat Affair (620 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: AconitumNapellus
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Warnings: BDSM, Rape/Non-con
Summary: When Illya is blinded by a Thrush chemical his and Napoleon's lives are suddenly turned upsidedown. (Contains some sexual aggression but not rape.)
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The Last of the Great Euphemisms (6 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: TheRimmerConnection
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Romance, Humor, Pre-Slash
Summary: Napoleon has a thing about watching Illya eat noodles.
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Lay all Your Love on Me (8 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Why does Napoleon love that old chair of Illya's so much?
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Le Question (12 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Humor, Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Companion piece to Voulez Vous - Illya's PoV
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Leap of Faith (16 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: PWP
Summary: Napoleon is depressed, so Illya decides to cheer him up.
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Leather (58 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Cord Smithee
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: First Time, Established Relationship
Summary: "I first saw you on the Riviera."
"We met in Bonn."
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Leaves of Three (34 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Pre-Slash
Summary: Napoleon discovers that truth serum and poison ivy, not the best combination for 'coming out.'
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Leaving Terbuff (23 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Episode Related, Romance, First Time, Series
Summary: This is the first in a series of stories following the series in a slash perspective. It (obviously) is set right after "The Terbuff Affair".
Sequel: The 'L' Word by ChannelD, just not posted yet
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Let it Snow (7 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Holiday
Summary: Napoleon and Illya decide to celebrate Christmas at Yosemite National Park. Now if it would only snow.
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Liaison (92 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Lee the T
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya, Illya/other
Rating: NC-17
Category: Holiday, Action-Adventure, First Time
Summary: An UNCLE courier gets just enough under Illya's skin to show Napoleon the truth about his own heart.
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Life's a Female Dog (13 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship
Summary: When Napoleon receives a frantic call from Illya, he arrives home to discover Illya has some house guests.
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Lights Out (4 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Ghostwriter
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG
Category: Challenge, Established Relationship
Summary: A Thrush clown turns out the lights, leaving Illya and Napoleon in the dark. A short response to the muncle challenge, "Darkness."
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Like His Father (9 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Episode Related, Established Relationship
Summary: It's a son's duty to be just like his father - even for Illya Kuryakin.
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Limousine Closet (15 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten
Pairings: Other m/m
Rating: R
Category: Episode Related, Drama-Angst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Vladeck rescues Michael Donfield from a jam and Michael doesn't want to go home. What happens when the closet starts to shrink?
Prequel: Slavonic Dances by Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten
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Liquor (12 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Cord Smithee
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: First Time
Summary: What do you do with a drunken agent.
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The Little Black Book Affair (25 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Pre-Slash
Summary: It was just sitting there innocently - how was Illya to know taking it would be a life changing experience?
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Little Bombs (10 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Viviana
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Pre-Slash
Summary: Illya's hunt for a THRUSH bomb causes friction.
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Little Truths (6 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Ghostwriter
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG
Category: Drama-Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Challenge
Summary: Truth serum is good for the heart.
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The Living Daylights Affair (17 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: the Lady Rose
Pairings: Withheld
Rating: G
Category: Drama-Angst, Action-Adventure, Crossover
Summary: An adaptation of Ian Fleming's "The Living Daylights" firmly set in UNCLE-verse. Illya Kuryakin unexpectedly reckons with his past on a mission involving a defector and a cellist.
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The Lonely Sea and the Sky (35 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Di T
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: G
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance
Prequel: Two Men in a Boat by Di T
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The Long Night (27 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: Elise Madrid
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship
Summary: Napoleon and Illya find that things may not be as they appear.
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Look Harder (96 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: TheRimmerConnection
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: First Time
Summary: 'We have flirted with our eyes for years. I suspect neither of us actually misunderstood in all that time. We just failed to trust our instincts.'
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The Look of Love - the Seduction of Napoleon Solo Act III (7 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG
Category: Humor, Series, Pre-Slash
Summary: Why does Illya have all those bruises and who put them there?
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Looking for Something (a post Foxes & Hounds Affair story) (11 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Episode Related, Romance
Summary: Part of the Episode Epilogues but written out of order because I got carried away after watching Foxes & Hounds.
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Lost & Found (331 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Kellie Matthews
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya, Illya/other
Rating: NC-17
Category: Episode Related, Humor, First Time
Summary: Sometimes you find something you weren't looking for, and it turns out it was what you needed all along.
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Lost Love (28 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Pathfindr
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Warnings: Violence
Summary: Napoleon finds out Illya loves him, much to Illyas sorrow. So he does the only thing he can think of to keep Napoleon happy. It does have a happy ending don't worry, I love these guys too much for anything else.
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Love Across the Ages (4 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Alternate Universe
Summary: An AU that suggests no matter what, Napoleon and Illya were meant to be together.
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Love in a Golden Bowl (12 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Napoleon looks fortune in the face and makes a mistake. Written for Down the Chimney 7
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Love is Life (18 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: First Time, Established Relationship, Pre-Slash
Summary: Sometimes, Napoleon needs to be reminded of that.
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Love is Strong (69 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Alternate Universe, Drama-Angst, Romance, First Time
Summary: Originally published in The Spy Who Loved Me. I rewrote it fairly extensively for this posting, mostly in the middle, and like it better. Here is an excerpt - "Illya Kuryakin's back was against the wall and he knew it." (but guess who's got Illya's back?)
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Love is the Question, Love is the Answer (52 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Summary: Some (retrospective) hurt and present ongoing comfort. Sometimes I go to these places, and for some unknow reason I take Illya with me, bless his heart.
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Love isn't Easy (9 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: First Time
Summary: Love doesn't come easy for either man, no matter what the other thinks
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Love Isn't Easy(but it sure is Hard Enough) (48 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Series
Summary: Illya is bored in bed. not good news for Napoleon or is it?
Prequel: Waterloo by Spikesgirl58
Sequel: No Hay A Quien Culpar by Spikesgirl58
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Love Sought (168 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: First Time, Pre-Slash
Summary: The agents go undercover at a theatre to catch a THRUSH and maybe a ghost as well. Slash version of Ghostlight Affair
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Love Trust Break (72 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Pathfindr
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, First Time
Summary: Illya has lost all that he was. Napoleon is determined to keep what remains. Together can they find true love?
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Love's a Funny Thing (55 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: azdak
Pairings: Withheld
Rating: PG
Category: Drama-Angst, Action-Adventure
Summary: Illya seeks refuge in a Soho brothel.
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Lovelight (10 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Alternate Universe, Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Napoleon faces his greatest fear - an unresponsive penis
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Lovers Live a Little Longer (69 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Illya and Napoleon are snowed in - whatever shall they do to entertain themselves
Prequel: Knowing Me, Knowing You by Spikesgirl58
Sequel: The Visitors by Spikesgirl58
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Loving Our Work (11 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Movie Universe, Romance, First Time
Summary: My one and (barring a sequel) only movie story. Cowboy and Peril 4 ever!
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Lucky (11 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Viviana
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Episode Related, Romance, Humor, Pre-Slash
Summary: Missing scenes from 'The Fiddlesticks Affair'
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Magic Touch (26 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Alternate Universe, Drama-Angst, Romance, Action-Adventure, First Time
Summary: Originally published in The Spy Who Loved Me. Excerpt: They would talk about it, in horrified whispers back at Headquarters; how Illya Kuryakin had been buried alive and had tried to claw through solid wood in his death throes. He wouldn't. And after all, he could still be rescued.
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Make Your Bed and Lie in It (51 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: TheRimmerConnection
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Episode Related, Drama-Angst, Romance, First Time
Summary: Politeness and trustworthiness are not always the best way to get things done, especially when they leave you and your partner at a stalemate that distresses you both. Illya and Napoleon find that out over various affairs and chocolate cake.
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Mamma Mia (81 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Napoleon is frustrated with his attempts to open his new business and Illya decides to 'help' him out.
Sequel: Lovers Live a Little Longer by Spikesgirl58
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Man in the Middle (158 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Napoleon decides to attend his class reunion with the usual Vermont results.
Prequel: Voulez Vous by Spikesgirl58
Sequel: Slipping Through My Fingers by Spikesgirl58
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The Man in Women's Clothing Affair (19 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: xisney
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Romance, Hurt/Comfort, PWP
Summary: Illya comes back from a job distraught after he wears women's clothing to aid in his spy work. Napoleon works to rebuild his ego.
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A Man of Few Words (54 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: nickovetch
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship
Warnings: Unusual Sexual Situation
Summary: Illya's mother tongue comes in handy in more than one way.
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The Man Overboard Affair (28 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Romance, Action-Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Summary: This is for the MFU50 Mini bang.
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The Marshmallows Affair (16 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: AconitumNapellus
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG
Category: Humor, Pre-Slash
Summary: Napoleon introduces Illya to a drinking game. Just some harmless fun.
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masks (120 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Cord Smithee
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Action-Adventure, First Time
Warnings: Unusual Sexual Situation
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Masquerade (2 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Francis Kerst
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: G
Category: Poetry
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The Matter of Trust Affair (27 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: nickovetch
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Drama-Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Slash
Summary: Cover me
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Meant to be Here (41 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Summary: Illya Kuryakin was terrified. He didn't even think he was doing a particularly good job of hiding it, but he had to. He had to. Because Napoleon was sitting right across from him .
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Memories and Promise (9 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: ChannelD
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Romance, Established Relationship
Summary: Napoleon kept it light because everything about Illya proclaimed that he preferred it that way. It never occurred to him that Illya might have the same misperception about him.
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The Mephisto (Redux) Affair (106 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Elijahwildchild
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya, Napoleon/other, Illya/other
Rating: R
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, Action-Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship
Summary: Working through the consequences of 'The Mephisto Affair'. Some angst, some action, some banter, some choices. oh and some mushy stuff.
Prequel: The Mephisto Affair by Elijahwildchild
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The Mephisto Affair (112 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Elijahwildchild
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Action-Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Summary: Dastardly THRUSH plot, evil scientist, some angst, some banter, guns, fast cars. the usual. Oh - and hope. There's always hope.
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The Metamorphosis of Sexually Explicit Paper Cranes (21 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Keelywolfe
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Humor, Established Relationship, PWP
Summary: Paper cranes and sex.
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Mettle Under Tension (12 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: nickovetch
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Humor, Established Relationship
Summary: One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy.is this the party to whom I am speaking?
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The Mid-Life Crisis Affair (53 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Graculus
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: First Time
Summary: Sometimes a change is as good as a rest.
Also available in the zine 'Relative Secrecy 8'.
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Midnight in Moscow (20 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Episode Related, Humor, First Time
Summary: Napoleon finds he has more in common with his new partner than he realized -parallel to My Brother's Keeper
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The Mirror, Mirror Affair (274 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Nix
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya, Napoleon/other
Rating: NC-17
Category: Drama-Angst, Romance, Action-Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, First Time
Summary: Napoleon Solo is used to being charming and attractive. He's used to being pursued, being in control, being the center of attention. But what if it was all taken away? What if it took everything he had just to make people look him in the eye? What would happen then?
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Mission Control (40 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Lee the T
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Romance, First Time
Summary: This story was inspired by Nataliya's "Rain." Go read it.
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Monster under the bed (2 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Ceindreadh
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Challenge, Established Relationship
Summary: Challenge - to write a story entitled Monsters under the bed
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Moon on the Meadow (43 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Established Relationship
Summary: UNCLE agents are attacked at a remote UNCLE site. Waverly sends Napoleon and Illya to figure out the mystery before they, too, become victims.
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The Morning After the Night Before (2 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: First Time
Summary: Now it's time to talk about what happened.
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Move On (9 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Holiday, Series
Warnings: Death Story
Summary: Napoleon welcomes an old friend to Taste
Prequel: Waterloo by Spikesgirl58
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Mr. (0 K) (Format: html , text-only )
Author: 1
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: G
Category: Episode Related
Warnings: BDSM
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Mulch Ado About Illya (7 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Keelywolfe
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: NC-17
Category: Humor, First Time, PWP
Summary: Paper cranes and sex.
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Muscle up a little closer (3 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Ceindreadh
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Romance, Humor, Established Relationship
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Music to My Ears (2 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Holiday, Romance, Established Relationship
Summary: Easter egg challenge - veils/music/ codes. Who knew Illya was such the romantic?
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My Love My Life (87 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: R
Category: Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Series
Summary: Illya is determined to give Napoleon the perfect birthday gift, but it comes with an enormous price tag
Prequel: Man in the Middle by Spikesgirl58
Sequel: Voulez Vous by Spikesgirl58
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My Mama Said (16 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Spikesgirl58
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Holiday, Alternate Universe, Series
Summary: The guys from Taste reflect upon their mothers - a Mother's Day fic that got missed.
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The My Partner the Gorilla Affair (2 K) (Format: html , text-only , Mobi)
Author: Ceindreadh
Pairings: Napoleon/Illya
Rating: PG-13
Category: Holiday, Humor, Established Relationship
Summary: Nothing to do with *that* episode, I promise!
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