Ridiculous

by Periwinkle

"Napoleon, you are being ridiculous."

"Why? You don't think kissing a man can be every bit as good as kissing a women?"

"I can not believe you even suggested, mmph..."

"So tell me how that kiss was."

"This whole idea is ridiculous. What are you trying to prove, Napoleon?"

"That kissing a man can be as good as kissing a woman."

"Kissing the great Napoleon Solo is only as good as kissing a woman? From the way you always talked, I had the impression it would be better. So much for your reputation."

"My reputation?"

"Yes. I would have thought a man of your repute would have realized this is a ridiculous place for a demonstration."

"Ah. You would prefer my apartment."

"You're catching on."

"So is this location better?"

"How should I know, Napoleon? You haven't proven anything yet."

"Well, tovarisch, just give me a min..."

"Good God, Illya, what was that?"

"Your minute was up. And if you really did not know what that was, your reputation is definitely overstated."

"I didn't expect you to grab me like that."

"I was just pointing out a flaw in your logic."

"Flaw?"

"You assumed I had no idea what it is like to kiss another man."

"Hmm."

"It is not a new concept to me, Napoleon."

"So I see. Well, in that case, why don't you fill me in on what you know?"

"You finally came up with an idea that wasn't ridiculous."

"I try."

"So, Pasha, what have you learned?"

"That kissing a man is as good as kissing a women but kissing my partner is better?"

"Thank you. May I say the same for you?"

"So, Illya, er, do you have any other hands-on demonstrations you could show me?"

"Let me think about that. Yes."

"No time like the present I say, moi droog."

"Just the present?"

"Well, I wouldn't be adverse to refresher courses in the future."

"Yes, it is possible you would need lots of practice."

"Hey! What about my reputation as a great lover?"

"Hmm. You're not bad, Pasha, but I suspect there is room for improvement."

"You're not so perfect yourself, Lusha."

"So are you volunteering to instruct me?"

"Just name the time and place."

"Here. Now."

"Are Russians always this impatient?"

"When faced with a sexy, half-dressed partner, yes."

"May I say the same for, urk..."

"You could have let me finish the sentence."

"Why?"

"Ah. Good question."

"There were so many better things to do, Napoleon."

"True. And there are still things to do."

"Really. Are you suggesting, eep..."

"Now who is not letting his partner finish his sentence? Really, Pasha, was that necessary?"

"Yes. Oh, yes. Yes it was. And don't complain. You couldn't have spoken if you had wanted to."

"I was doing sign language. Didn't you see my hand gestures?"

"You mean the ones that said, 'don't stop; so good; ohmigod, yes, Napoleon'?"

"Um, yes. Those. I noticed you had a few too."

"What did I say, Illya?"

"It was hard to read through all your writhing and wriggling, but I think it was something along the lines of 'fuck me now or I will kill you'."

"Ah, ahem, uh, yeah, that was pretty much it."

"So do I get to live?"

"For now."

"What? What do you mean by 'for now'?"

"I figure, Illya, that I'll keep you alive long enough to do this another time. Then I'll reevaluate."

"There you go again, Napoleon, being ridiculous."