The Very Secret Nowhere Affair diary of IK.

by Tauna

Hour 1 N. off to desert to retrieve secret map. I am not. V. good as desert bad for complexion.

Hour 4 Silly N. captured again. Why is he CEA? Uncle A. says he took amnesia drug. V. bad as he didn't remember anything before.

Hour 10 Off to desert to rescue N. V. fun as I get to drive big dirty jeep in dust. V. excited as I may get to blow something up. V. happy as I have excellent, form fitting outfit. Cannot wait for N. to see me in it.

Good supply of sunblock. V. useful for things other than blocking sun. Looking forward to post mission grease up.

Hour 12 Met old man with smelly mule. V. excited as he has many explosives. Put mule in back of jeep as it was too slow. Old man babbles more than N. Did get secret map from him. Go me!

Hour 13 Old man actual fount of knowledge. Found Thrush secret lair. V. Easy. Well known abandoned mine not most creative hiding place. V. happy to see full amount of old man's explosives. Will make big bang.

Hour 13.5 Laid much explosive in cavern. Exit will be glorious.

Hour 14 Found N. in evil scientist's room. V. pleased with N. reaction to outfit. Or was it gun. Not sure. N. seems distracted. N. wants to save some girl. Stupid Girl!

Hour 14.5 V. unhappy to see girl. Most clingy and annoying. N. not paying attention to me. Maybe can trip her in cavern and blow her up. Will ponder this.

Hour 14.75 Firefight most satisfying. All Thrushies dead. Girl would not cooperate and get in front of gun. Must resort to plan B.

Hour 15 V. excited by exit through cavern. N. wasted too much time and fuse ran short. Did get to dive out of cave mouth last. Total destruction of cave. Concussion dulled hearing. V. good as girl yaps as much as N.

Hour 16 V. angry with N. Paying more attention to blond bimbo than to me. Feel sulk approaching. If I am not happy, no one will be happy.

Hour 16.5 Sulk in full swing. N. does not notice. Sulk may develop into fury. V. good Uncle A. is here or would not be responsible for actions.

Hour 16.75 Uncle A. makes annoying girl take mega amnesia drug. Go Uncle A! Slam water glass down in front of girl. N. now notices snit.

Hour 17 Girl shipped off with Uncle A. N. promises fun in Las Vegas as apology. Still sulking.

Hour 20 Made N. forgot annoying girl's name. Most intrigued by alternate properties of sunblock. N. now totally into me! Still prettiest! Go me!